El Vaquero

For those of you who may not not know, El Vaquero is Spanish for "The Cowboy". We had one of them walk into 1762 one sticky summer night in the not so distant past. This particular El Vaquero donned a black cowboy hat, dark shades (in the middle of the night), a button down Western-style shirt, jeans that were so tight he spoke a full octave higher, and RIDICULOUSLY pointy black cowboy boots that were, as Jon put it, "Right outta Texas".

As soon as he "John Wayne" sauntered into 1762, I could see a rather large chip on his shoulder. He looked around at everyone, sneered, and took a seat at the vacant end of the bar, closest to the front door. He ordered a "Heiney-Keen" from Shelley, and raised his voice unnecessarily as he did so. Shelley served him his cerveza, and came back down to the "regular's" end of the bar. A moment or two later he starts La-La-La'ing something that I could not understand. Obviously he wants attention. Maybe his momma took him off the teat too young. Shelley goes down there, assuages whatever it was that put a hair in the caboose of El Vaquero.

A few minutes later, El Vaquero starts to raise his voice again, looks around the bar to make sure he is getting the attention he so craves. We all looked at him with that blank stare that is intended to let you know what we really think of you.

Obviously there was a language barrier here. Ellie happened to be in the bar with Hector that night, so we had no shortage of Spanish speaking translators. Ellie offered to translate for the misplaced cowpoke, and this seemed to calm him for uno momento.

When I look back down his way, he is holding Shelley's hand. Kinda tight. Not letting go. She's playing it cool. Finally, El Vaquero lets go. Again, he starts mouthing off again, this time to Ellie. I see Hector, who is shooting pool, look over and patiently process what is going on, and what may need to be done. Jon goes over, tries to talk to the guy, gives him a smoke, and genuinely tries to disarm a heated situation. Hector goes over to El Vaquero next and lets him know that if he continues to be loud and disrespectful with Ellie, that he will have a problem at 1762.

El Vaquero had all of us a little "raised up", as we could not predict what the intentions of this patron might be. Discreetly, I went to the back door and retrieved a fire extinguisher that was mounted on the wall. Nice weight to it. Not so heavy that it was unwieldy, but heavy enough to knock a rude El Vaquero out.

A little time goes by. Tension is in the air. Jon and a few other regulars are smoking by the back door. I watch El Vaquero rise from his stool and start walking very quickly toward the group near the back door. I scooped up my firefighting apparatus and quietly followed him.


El Vaquero starts to reach out and grab for Jon, who's back is turned at this point. I raise the extinguisher, thoughts of Arnold Schwarzenegger saying "I extinguished him" running through my mind, and begin to lunge forward at the back of El Vaquero's cranium. In a split second I hear him say to Jon, "Cigaretto". Lock up the Brakes! I snatched back on the fire extinguisher less than a foot from my intended target. He was asking Jon for another cigarette! I whisked around, extinguisher at my side thinking, "Man, that was close".

El Vaquero smoked that cigaretto, had one more Heineken and left, not knowing how close he had come to being "extinguished". But I think he got the message. Haven't seen him back since.