Rubbing It In: Mistaken Assumptions

I went to the Ancient Dive on Sunday and as I was walking in, Biker Bob and Schmack were walking out. Biker Bob said he went skiing and was wiped out (Knowing Biker Bob chases ladies, I wondered what other slopes he went down on). Schmack was with him and apparently didn’t start any avalanches or crash into any trees. I went inside the dive and found ERL, Cho, Evie, Blues Man and of course, Yaega was behind the bar. I was looking forward to an easy going Sunday and watch the Pro Bowl.

To my pleasant surprise, I saw Bernie, Shannon and their daughter Lolita. I hadn’t seen him in a long while, not since Bear and Star’s wedding. I had a long talk with him about how he’s doing and what’s going on with his life and found that things aren’t looking so good but they are hanging on. Shannon told me she’s had several blood transfusions and plasma infusions. Shannon said that her liver is failing. Shannon was drinking the hard stuff.

Lolita and Shannon wanted to play music but couldn’t figure out the high tech jukebox that Bossman has on the wall. So I helped out. We played music well after the Pro Bowl. Lolita looks like she is almost 17 years old (a real hot piece of jail bait). Lolita’s I.D. was checked scrupulously by Yaega. Lolita is 21 according to her I.D. and she is apparently not talking about her employment or educational prospects. She listened to the music with Shannon.

During the afternoon, Cary eased in and out and Chucky showed up very briefly to have a beer. While in attendance Belli-Kiss came in. I didn’t say anything to him but he comes right up to me and says “O.K. so you won”. I told him the Giants won because somebody like him went to Vegas and convinced a bunch of mobbed up bookies to give up that outrageous line. That is why many of them are in debt, paying back that debt in some very twisted ways or their missing.

Belli-Kiss again started talking that same head up ass shit about Belichik being the greatest coach of all time. I stared at my beer shook my head and started moving down the bar. Belli-Kiss said, “O.K., I’ll try not to be annoying but the man did go 18-0 with the Patriots, he put a team together with great draft picks and found some of the best veterans in the league to anchor down that team. That makes him a genius..”. I said then what does that make COUGHLIN?

“The way the offense for the Giants was being run against the ‘best veterans in the league’ must be cosmic calculus. That makes Coach Coughlin a super genius or a man who out coached a super ego.” I went on to say that the best team won the biggest game of the season, I put the emphasis on ‘Team’ indicating every one on the Giants were working together. Belli-Kiss turned red.

I stared at my beer and said three more things that pissed him off. I said, “Belichik did not have a perfect season, he lost the Superbowl, he had a loosing piss poor attitude and ran off the field as fast as he could at the end of the Game. And, if Belichik is such a genius, how come he couldn’t figure out how to keep his quarterback from getting the shit knocked out of him.” Next thing I knew he was talking more stupid shit and wanted to fight. I got up to leave.

The night bartender, Rhoda came on and told him to shut up, get quiet, or get out. He got out. (He ran out of money, and I wasn’t financing idiocy) Yaega stayed around for a little while and hung out with Bernie and Shannon. Doc came in for the view (Rhoda is real good looking and Doc seems to be around when she’s working). We talked about our health, my nephew who I tried to put on the straight and narrow and the fact that kids don’t see the world as it is. What else is new.

As Yaega left I advised her it will be a while before I get back around the dive. I still couldn’t get a black and tan, I still couldn’t get any of five beers I asked to drink. There was Guiness on tap that was warmer than room temperature and it still didn’t taste right in semi cool glass. I moved on.

RJ

Failure to Communicate

SD e-mails me about the wonderful time he had at the dive Superbowl Sunday. It was a description that was quite different from Yaega Lee’s. S.D. and Peppermint Patty went elsewhere, where the air from the smoke of toxic people haven’t done lung or mind damage to the bartenders. So I wondered, what the heck is going on in the dive since I had gone.

I talked to Candy about it, she didn’t know, beside life has given her another hard blow to deal with (what is it about? Maybe later). So I called Yaega and asked if anything else is going on at the dive, any events arranged by Bossman. Yaega said, "No events arranged by Bossman but I heard that Kareoke is supposed to take place this Saturday or next (we talked on Friday). " So Saturday Night I walk into the dive and ask Shelly about it, Ruby was there with her behind the bar.

Yaega calls me Saturday after calling the dive and was told by Shelly it was the weekend of the 16th. No matter, I’m at the dive talking to Candy. Creedster, Met Fan, Hector and Ellie and a few other regulars were in attendance, lots of semi regulars and irregulars showed up, some of the dart throwers were in attendance. Then in comes the Kareoke crew minus Cary because he’s got another gig. Mallory is running the show with help from one of her country Kareoke singers i'll call ‘Alabama’, who wears the black cowboy hat.

So I got inquisitive, “Shelly, I thought Kareoke was on the 16th..that’s what Yaega said to me on the phone after she said she talked with you.” “I made a mistake” Shelly said as she tried to get the bar in order, I asked for Peroni, not in stock, no Amstel either, no ale that can work in a Black and Tan so I had Tonic Water. They should take down the beers on display since they never sell them. At least, they won’t sell them to me.

The night had many good singers from other venues Cary and his wife play at, I knew from their faces and talent they weren’t from the dive. Being concerned none of the old crew would represent I took to the mike and did my rendition of “The Ride”. I was told it didn’t suck. I was amazed that there was only a light gathering until near midnight when things picked up. I was amazed that no one put out any info on this other than a flyer. But knowing the Bossman he didn’t make up his mind until a week before or less.

During the night I talked to M.F.(Met Fan) and to Dino and his new lady friend ‘Belle’, they didn’t know about Kareoke until the middle of the week. I have it on good info that Bossman didn’t arrange this, but some of the bartenders did. Its hard to get paying customers in the bar if your good paying customers don’t know what the fuck is going on. This event amounts to a poorly publicized carnival or a piss poorly kept secret. I hope the bartenders did O.K.

I don’t know why things go the way they do. But since that’s the way it is, that’s someone else’s problem. The only reason I stayed was Candy and some of the regulars spending time to catch up a bit. The dive was piss poorly stocked again, but if you have inventory you want to move, fuck your customers. Tonic water is fine with me, it’s a lot less than a beer I can’t buy anyway.

RJ

Black & Tan

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Cruising the Shore

This is a public service announcement that will be Semi-Regular. I will detail events taking place at some real nice places to go listen to bands, enjoy pub events or just drink in a relaxed and enjoyable atmosphere. For your information:

The Corner Tavern Pool Team will be at Point Break on Wednesday, February 13, 2008.
Point Break is a place where the working class gets a little loud, but are a lot of fun. The people are from all walks of life and all ethnic backgrounds. Good drinking bar, descent jukebox – good bartenders. Come on out and support the Corner Tavern Pool Team and its Captain, Carol Lee. The Pizza served is for shooters only. (Unless the Bartender says otherwise) There at 445 Hempstead Turnpike, West Hempstead across from Cherry Valley Mall. Call (516) 486-9583 for directions and events.

Good Times Pub on 1 Sunrise Highway in Freeport is a cool place with a 30’s-50’s age group that’s there on Tuesday Nights which has a Jazz Jam and open mike on Tuesday Nights. A good mix of folks, well stocked bar, and Sisters and Bro’s that can sang. (Yeah I said ‘sang). Located on the South Side of Sunrise Highway between Main St and Church St.

A good place to be on Saturday Night is Bronko’s Bar & Grill located on 1177 Grand Avenue, Baldwin. If you travel south on Grand Avenue from Sunrise its in the Associated Supermarket Shopping Mall (large parking lot park on the North End of the lot). If you get off the Southern State Parkway at exit 20 South once you get on Grand Avenue get in the left lane and make a left at the second traffic light. (You’ll see the shopping center).

Saturday Night Schedule is as follows: February 16th JEEBUS (a rock and roll bar band) will be playing live starting at 9:00 PM. GLORY DAZE will be playing February 23rd. This band is supposed to be pretty good. This weekend, February 9th will be the annual MARDI GRAS PARTY starting at 9:00 PM. They will be serving Jambalaya and Dirty Rice (i.e. Rice and Red Beans, I think), Hurricane Drinks, there will be Masks and Beads and other events. I might come out for this. For Country lovers, SOUTHERN DAVE (Dave Cion) will be playing on March 1st.

For those of you who don’t want to go West Hempstead on Wednesday, go to BACKSTAGE at 948 Broadway in Woodmere. Gary and Laurie who brought you SCAREOKE and other kareoke events will be there inviting all to sing up a storm. Don’t wait for a next time in your barstool. Get off you barstool next time there is a show. That’s every Wednesday Night at 8:00 PM.

Stuck in a rut. Designate a Driver, get the crowd and get the fuck out of your funk (i.e. the dive). Renew you pub life.

RJ

Giant Sundays: Vindication

It was Sunday, January 20th, I was at the ancient dive and of course Yaega Lee was struggling to get the place cleaned up while serving customers. I got there at the end of the Patriots vs Chargers and was totally pissed at the outcome. Another football teamed cowed into submission by Bellichick’s shell game and snowed into belief by the hype.

It was a good day, Cho, ERL, Shmack and his dog along with Devilyn, the Ranger Fan and his old lady had seats at the bar. A new face I haven’t seen before, Adan from Ireland was discussing the nightlife in England when Biker Bob showed up. We talked for a long while as I tried to get comfortable.

Chucky showed up for a quick minuet and disappeared with a threat to return later. Cary came in at the end of the Chargers loss and tossed down a couple before he moved on. Well, there was the munchies that Yaega bought before the game that was nice to have with Guiness. As Rhoda relieved Yaega the Giants were facing Green Bay, I settled in as best I could.

No evening at the dive could begin without a little drama, Evie did her best to demean and humiliate ERL. I felt bad for him, all kinds of scandal about the way she acts and why she looks for dates while her man is in the dive with her. Pimp showed up and was classic Pimp. No hot food was in the dive but he bought two large Pizza’s for us in attendance.

Met Fan showed up with Belli-Kiss, the Patriot Fan who was an old friend of his. Timmy showed up also and he and Biker Bob were talking to Yaega. Rhoda was now getting things rolling real well and I was in a semi-relaxed mind frame. Belli-Kiss started talking about how great the Patriots were as the Giants made a nice defensive stop on Green Bay in the second quarter.

Belli-Kiss said, “No one can disagree with me, Bellichick is the greatest coach of all time.” I looked at M.F. (Met Fan) and did not respond to the sound of senseless bullshit. Belli-Kiss gives me a shove to the back which pissed me off and annoyed me, I asked him not to do that again. “You agree right, Bellichick is the greatest coach of all time.” I quickly answered, “No!” and returned to viewing the game.

To make that statement, Bellichick is the greatest coach of all time, you got to have your head up your ass.

“Hey, Belli-Kiss, we’re watching the Giants not the Patriots, stop the nonsense” said M.F. When halftime came around Belli-Kiss tried to get everybody in the bar to agree with him, so he bugged me again. I told him to leave me alone.. “Why isn’t Bellichick the Greatest Football Coach of all Time?” Have you seen what he’s done? Aggravated to the point of leaving, I said, “anyone with a minimal familiarity with football wouldn’t ask that stupid question.”

Belli-Kiss started sucking air, “WHAT, REALLY?” Then he said “yeah”, I said yeah. Now Rhoda put the game on all the T.V.’s in the bar area. Belli-Kiss realizing “we” now have an audience said, “What makes you say Bellichick isn’t the greatest Football Coach of all Time? I appealed to M.F. and all the gentleman in local earshot for three minuets of uninterrupted time since Belli-Kiss had all night to bow to his new master and sing his praises.

I was told to go ahead so I did, "Bellichick is not Chuck Noll who won 4 Superbowls and is not considered the best coach of all time, Tom Landry won 5 NFC Titles, created the 4-3 defense, brought back the shotgun offense and won Two Superbowls, he is not the greatest coach of all time. Papa Bear Halas has the highest winning percentage of any coach before the NFC and AFC merged, he’s not the greatest coach of all time. "

I quickly continued as Belli-Kiss choked on his beer. "Bellichick is no Bill Walsh who created the west coast offense and won 3 Superbowls, also trained several coaches who went to the Superbowl, he's not the greatest coach. Bellichick sure aint no Jimmy Johnson who rebuilt the Dallas Cowboys and left a team that won a third Superbowl without him after he left with two Superbowl rings or a Tom Flores who had to fight his owner to put the Oakland Raiders in the Superbowl twice on his watch. Their not the greatest of all time."

“But wait a minuet, your going back to the old days” screamed Belli-Kiss. “You said of ‘all time’ and I’m not finished. M.F. said, “go ahead” RJ. “Bill Parcells went to the Superbowl 3 times with two teams and came back with two rings, rebuilding the Patriot organization that Bellichick inherited. Joe Gibbs went to the Superbowl 4 times winning 3 rings, making history by bringing in Doug Williams, breaking the black quarterback stereotype.”

Belli-Kiss shouted out “yeah but Bellichick has the perfect season.” I’m not finished I said as M.F. asked me to hold that thought. We all then watched Brandon Jacobs make that one yard run into the end zone as the fog of his freezing breath rose from the tundra. I said, “now to finish my point…Bellichick has not had the perfect season, he would be behind Don Shula, the only coach who does have a perfect season.” Chucky had returned and had nodded in agreement.

Belli-Kiss said, “yeah but you watch, when the Patriots win the Superbowl they will have the perfect season…when they beat Green Bay in the Superbowl.” M.F. shouted “HEY, HEY, WE’RE ROOTING FOR THE GIANTS HERE! Green Bay hasn’t won shit yet.” “Yeah but I still think Bellichick is the greatest coach of all time” shouted Belli-Kiss. I said, can I finish with one last point. “LIKE WHAT” said Belli-Kiss.

“The Superbowl trophy has a name inscribed on it and its called something, what do they call it?” My brow was squinted in extreme disgust because I was attempting to speak logically to a fool, and I should have known better. Belli-Kiss answered, “YEAH, it’s the Superbowl Trophy” they call it the….” M.F. and a few others said, “”THE LOMBARDI TROPHY”. “That’s my point, Lombardi is the greatest coach in NFL History, there is no Bellichick trophy.”

Belli-Kiss left right after the Giants beat Green Bay. If the Giants were half as pissed as I was when they faced the Patriots on Sunday it accounted for the fuel of one of the greatest upsets in NFL History. Anger is one hell of a motivation, persistence is the result of anger turned to purpose. I wasn’t going back to the ancient dive any time soon for a lot of reasons.

Later that night the dart crowd came in minus their iconic female leader “Buddica.” Rad, Kirsty, Smarta, and Schmooz were there though to celebrate. I left, came back during the week and let Yaega know I had some things to take care of. Yaega called me Superbowl Sunday to let me know Bossman and Quietman hooked up the bar with great food, there was a good crowd, she said it was really cool to be in the bar and watch this magnificent upset.

There was a lot surprises Superbowl Sunday. By the way, the 72 Dolphins are the only team in NFL History with a perfect season. The Giants are the lowest seeded NFC team to win a Superbowl. Again, it was nice to hear how cool it was on the corner.

Vindication is always bittersweet.
RJ

Around The Fire

New Years Eve 2007 – I went to N.F’s on New Years Eve and New Years Day. Actually I’d been there for more than a few days and it was really nice. All of us ‘crazy folk’ who met during the past year did so much to add to the joy of each others lives, it was both funny and downright frightening.

I learned about human nature and human depravity. I learned how dangerous we all are on some level. I found out just how selfish and how selfless we as people can be.

New Years Eve at N.F’s was really different and eye opening. Fred and Ricky came up along with Ben and Becky, Darleene and Rinney. Darleene is an older lady in her mid 60’s and her son Rinney is absolutely ‘RedNeck’.

They sold their house bought some land and live in a very desolate area of upstate New York. Rinney can hunt and kill anything. He talks real slow, very skinny, very shy. Rinney is an excellent mechanic and is absolutely at ease in total darkness.

Lucky and Tina also showed up as well as a number of different souls during the evening. We celebrated the fact N.F. and Elly got back into their own home. N.F. set up the portable firepit that Becky brought with her in the side of the yard off the huge picture window off the kitchen. We rolled out reclining chairs in the snow covered ground. The barren trees gave a spooky kind of feeling to the cold moonlit night. Yet in the snow and cold, we gathered round the fire.

As we sat around the fire Becky insisted that we ‘testify’ to our shortcomings as people. Needless to say in this cold night around a fire, awaiting the New Year we all had alcohol, and that in quantities that were almost obscene. N.F. went first. “I thought I could live life all by myself, hunt, work, drink and fix cars without anything else, but Elly changed my life. That’s why I’m getting on my knees right now.” N.F. knelt in the snow and proposed to Elly, again.

He produced a huge diamond ring and asked her to marry him, again. (More work for me) Elly melted in his arms and it was a sweet moment where everybody said “AWWW”. Ben went on a rant about how his life was nothing without Becky. Becky shut him up and threatened to rape him in the snow if he didn’t calm down. Ben said, “I can’t get it up in the snow.” Becky said, “Yes you can!. Think!” Ben looked down at his crotch and sat down quickly.

Fred said that he had a great life, great grand kids and a wonderful wife, he just wished he could have provided better and spent more time with his kids. Darleene regretted the accident that left her partially maimed but was thankful that she still had a good life. Elly was thankful for the day she met N.F. and cried while looking at the rock N.F. put on her finger. Lucky said that he didn’t deserve Tina although he had a shit fit when she talked about breast reduction.

Tina regretted that her son, who turned 19, had become a ‘faggot’. Tina blamed herself for not being tougher on him in life, Tina wanted her son to be a man not a ‘punk’. Rinney cleared his throat and stood up as the fire started shooting sparks and the warm flames comforted us on this cold New Years Eve. Rinney picked up his drink, we all went silent. He looked at us and smiled as he began to speak.

“Now, I’ve had it rough, I ain’t that smart, I ain’t good lookin’ and I ain’t rich. But I’ve got a new girlfriend, I got a good running car, a dog that comes running when I call and good friends that care if I die. I don’t know if much else is worth having…” That got even me in the gut. Rinney toasted all he had to live for, cause, as he said, “that’s all I need to die for.” He may be dumb as hell, but has a heart as big as the Ridge.

That left me and Ricky. I spoke before he did. I admitted I wasn’t the warmest person on the planet and that I thought my yesterdays were a whole lot better than the here and now. I thanked all of them for allowing me into their lives and being a part of some very significant moments in their lives. I felt quite humbled that any of them felt anything for me, how rednecks in a heavily wooded area could treat me like family.

N.F. said, “We have 39 feet of rope and six acres of trees, keep drinkin’”. I snapped, “I know your too cold to get up so screw the rope unless any of the ladies have a fetish.” “Fine, I’ll tie it to your dick, you and Ben can service me in the snow” the new bride proclaimed. “Becky!! Please! Be Nice” screamed Ben. Becky smiled as Ben blushed in total shame. I found the thought intriguing.

Everybody looked at Ricky, we were all apprehensive at what he felt his shortcomings were. But we weren’t going anywhere. N.F. put more wood on the fire as we passed bottles of Gentleman Jack, Makers Mark, Rumpleminz, Vodka and Gin. Ricky stood up with a bottle of Jim Beam in his hand. He put down a swallow and began to speak.

We could see his breath clearly as the temperature dropped, Ricky raised his head and began to speak. “I admit that I’m ashamed of being more man than most women can handle sometimes.” Ricky took another swig and continued. “I know that I have a power and draw over folk that has to be a gift from God Almighty, but I just don’t have command of this gift, that is my evident flaw. I see the way some of you look at me.”

“Not just you women, some of you guys too. I know you dream of what I can do for you.” Fred (Ricky’s Dad) put his hand inside his coat, Rinney rolled his eyes as I saw him open his Shrade Lock Blade Knife in total silence an ease it up his sleeve. Ricky took another hit as N.F. egged him on to continue. “I am more man than most women can handle and so much man that other men want to be with me. Growing up it made me uncomfortable, but now I’m alright with it.”

Becky said tell, “Tell me more” as Ben gave her an elbow to the ribs. Ricky continued. “When I’m out in the woods I can release myself, animals sense my aura and are drawn to it. That is why I can catch and kill better than anyone in this region.” Elly excused herself to heat up some food (she went to the closet, then to the kitchen). N.F. was totally relaxed as he listened to Ricky. I was in the opening of a horror movie.

“Sometimes when you tie down what you hunted and hear the bleating sounds of resistance and fear, it gets you razzed and you git all hyper, but when you draw the knife across its throat and watch it bleed out, you get sad, real sad. But when you realize its dinner and everybody is gonna eat, you know, deep inside, its right. I like that feeling.” Ricky took another hit from the bottle. Tina ran inside with Elly. Ricky said, “I regret I can’t hunt all the time, or camp when I want.”

N.F. said, “Why is what you shot still ‘bleating or resisting’ after you tie it down, isn’t it supposed to be dead.” Ricky put the bottle to his lips and said “You hunt your way, I’ll hunt mine. I like it when what I shoot dies slow, it gives me a reason to prove my power.” Ricky walked to the fire stared into the flame and said, “I come on myself when what I catch dies in front of me.” “I wish my wife could understand how I feel”, Ricky stood back and hit the bottle.

Becky pushed this further by asking, “When you do go camping who goes with you?” Ben looked at Becky like ‘why?’ Ben wanted to be away from this nut case, N.F. hit a joint and smiled as I knew he was packing the new Glock Bear got him for Christmas. Ricky said, “I know many want to go with me but they turn me down because they know how the nights will be if they go with me. They’re ashamed of what they feel because I can love anyone in the woods.”

Love? What kind of ‘Love are you talking about?’ I asked. “When it gets cold at night and we’re in a tent together, its natural to stay warm. The best way is skin on skin” said Ricky as he hit the Jim Beam again. “Love is sharing warmth…any way you can.” Fred said, “Don’t look at me, I have three normal sons.” Ricky dismissed what his dad said and then put the question.

“If you went camping and got up one morning and discovered vaseline or k-y jelly on your lips or k-y jelly around your asshole, would you tell anybody.” Ben said, “Hell No!” N.F. said, “I’d tell everybody.” Ricky looked up from the flame at both N.F. and Ben and asked, “ya’ll wanna go camping.” Ben shouted, “Get the fuck away from me.” N.F. laughed and calmed everyone down and got us back into the house for the New Years countdown.

Rinney opened the door for Ricky and said “You first”.

Ricky’s dark thoughts became normal to him after years of practicing depravity and a weird force fetish. What kind of things do we do in dark places that are becoming ‘normal’ to us.

Sometimes its good to find a bottle, a bible and a place to hide.

RJ