The Wedding & The Deer Hunt

“RJ, Ben and Becky want to get married this weekend, have you talked to them lately.” I put the phone on speaker because my hands were busy holding my pipe while I read another ‘we’re gonna screw you letter’ from the VA. “No N.F., I haven’t heard from them in about two weeks,” I then leaned back and thought about what I went through with Ben and Becky on the 4th of July and Labor Day, I started to get heartburn.

I thought about love, life, decency and honor, those timeless values that make for the foundation of mankind, government and most of civilization. Marriage between Ben and Becky is a great idea, they are equally yoked in almost every way. “N.F., they wanted to get married last month, why now?” “Look, we’re headed for Thanksgiving weekend and they considered having their Pastor marry them, but he’s out of town…Ben and Becky want you to do the Wedding for them………RJ you there?”

I really had nothing planned except my usual Sunday excursion to the Ancient Dive (that’s gotten real old). My family has all come together at Mom’s house and Thanksgiving was quite tense, but did get to be real fun after I had everybody consider what life would be like if they didn’t have each other to piss off. I did need to get away. “Alright, I will e-mail the rest of the marriage material to Becky…they’ll have to complete the course they started back in September. By the way are you still in Gardiner or back in your own house N.F.”

“Still in Gardiner at my Brother in Laws old house RJ, by the way we’re going hunting that weekend too.” “Where do Ben and Becky want me to do the Wedding? Did they tell you N.F.? “Yeah, RJ at my place in Gardiner.” “N.F., what are you smokin? You want me to do a Wedding for Ben and Becky while your out in the woods stalking Bambi” “Yeah, Elly did a whole lotta cooking and everything seems locked in, can you be here Friday?” O.K.

After a scenic ride on a picturesque Friday afternoon, (I stopped at Valencia Italian Delicatessen in Lynbrook and Prosperi’s Bakery on Atlantic, I picked up Ravioli and Canoli’s) I arrived in Gardiner. Elly was in the kitchen and the two dogs, yellow and black Labrador retrievers greeted me jumping and slobbering looking for their doggie treats. Elly told me that N.F.’s friend from work Fred and his son Ricky were on their way and would be at the house real soon.

Elly invited me to check out the house while she cooked, so I started wandering. The house is a big split level ranch, 4 bedrooms, spacious living room with fire place, 3 bathrooms, oak paneled den with fireplace, family room, barn and 3 car garage on 6 acres next to a heavily wooded area. There’s a huge bar in the den (fully stocked) along with two large gun safes. I went back to the kitchen, had a sandwich and a beer Elly fixed me while waiting on N.F. and his hunting buddies.

N.F. showed up and introduced me to the keg unit (in a special frig and pump unit for kegs) next to the long maple bar. Then the hunters showed up, Fred and Ricky walked in. Everybody introduced themselves and sat around the kitchen table getting to know one another. Fred is a Vietnam Vet, 173rd Airborne Brigade, retired from UPS after 30 years. Fred had his own business, several properties and is now nicely retired. Fred told me he is a gun safety freak.

Fred was an impressive old soldier who inspired confidence. Ricky, his son, didn’t quite give me that confident feeling. About 35 years old Ricky has had several jobs, he has a wife and two kids. He talks real loud and knows everything about anything including hunting. I asked Ricky what he thought about the large Deer population and State regulations that keep hunters from really stalking their prey. Ricky said, “there are all kinds of populations that need thinning out, some things just need killing.”

N.F., Fred and Ricky invited me to join them, after seeing Ricky handle his shotgun in the kitchen and hearing his diatribe on ‘thinning out the heard’ I respectfully declined hunting to make sure Ben and Becky’s wedding was officiated and overseen thoroughly. (I would not be around Ricky in the woods for any amount of money). As afternoon started to fade Ben and Becky arrived and introduced themselves and conversation got loud and wild.

Ben can talk to anyone for hours, Becky can talk you into doing anything within an hour. (Becky is straight out fine, six pac abs, 40D cup, 25inch waist, 38 inch legs that make a pair of jeans grateful to be on her ass). Becky’s infectious smile and perfect teeth beg a wholesome girl image that fits the rural New York landscape as if she were in a Norman Rockwell drawing. Truth is she could talk Satan into giving up sin and get men to do anything she wants. Ben is lucky.

We split up into two groups after we drew a beer, me, Ben and Becky went to the living room. N.F., Fred and Ricky went to the den. I covered the basics of New York marriage law (i.e., Domestic Relations Law, Town Clerks, County Clerks, etc.) and religious foundations for a marriage relationship (covenant, not contract) while drinking beer and eating cheese, pepperoni and crackers. Ben, usually talkative, was silent, awestruck and shaking. Becky glowed.

While wrapping up the course of study (Ben and Becky did over a period of two months by e-mail) N.F. walked in and opened the wall closet and drew a shotgun and a handgun which was in its case. N.F. excused himself and took the weapons to his bedroom. I was concerned but not distracted. Ben and Becky then finalized the ceremony arrangements with me concerning the rings and their vows. We were all locked in, Becky gleefully spoke while Ben did shots of Jack.

We got up and went to the den for more beer, what we saw was cause for thought. Fred and Ricky polished off a half bottle of Jack, a firearms display for the ages, a Winchester 1300 long barrel shotgun, Browning Gold Supelite Hunter 12 gauge and Remington 1100 semi auto. Neon Orange tiger stripped hunting overalls and deer scent and other hunting peripherals.

Clouds of pipe, cigar, cigarette and marijuana smoke wafted through the den. They discussed how to transverse an area of state land that they got permission to hunt on, they discussed gun safety and what would happen if anyone fucked up. All was in place and agreed upon, they had all they needed. “If we see it, we’ll kill it, Ricky said joyfully. (N.F. wasn’t there)

Ben and Becky went back into the kitchen to join Elly in serving dinner (deer sausage in a basil marinara sauce over ravioli). Fred and Ricky talked and drank while handling weapons and ammunition, I went looking for N.F. who was in the garage. I watched him clean his Remington 860 and wipe off his black .357 Magnum revolver. “N.F., what’s the pistol for?” “RJ, shit happens, its not going to happen to me.”

“Elly said that dinner is ready, how long you gonna be?” “I’m with you right now RJ, lets go eat.” (N.F. put the weapons in a black duffel bag and put it in a cabinet) We joined Elly, Ben, Becky, Fred and Ricky. I asked the blessing, we ate and we spoke about hunting deer and the State land near Minnewaska State Park. Becky piped up, “you know your limited to what you can catch on State property, I got 90 acres next to me and I can get you permission to hunt.”

Ricky’s jaw dropped as Becky told of the heards of deer that eat all the flowers, berry’s and other plants growing on her property. Fred told Ricky to wipe the drool of his face. Becky looked at Ricky with a suspect glance and then looked at Ben who was talking a mile a minuet about the deer and how big they were. “All kinds of bucks with big racks wandering all over.”

Ben and Becky left after desert and said they would see everybody the next day for the wedding. N.F. got ready for bed as did the Fred and Ricky. I poured myself another beer in the den and began to pray for the safety of everyone hunting, in the wedding and at my home. I knew only God would be able to keep grief from happening. After praying I drank my beer, took my medication and went to bed.

I heard stirring in the kitchen, so I got up, got in my sweats and went to look. Fred and N.F. were dressed in their hunting gear and looked sober and serious as they packed their gear. Ricky looked like a cross between Rambo and Col. Kurtz in Apocalypse Now. His camouflage face and psychotic facial expression were alarming enough without smelling like a deer pissed all over him. “Got to have the scent or they might smell the man stench on ya.”

“We’re going to State land first RJ, if we don’t get anything there we’ll be at Becky’s by afternoon and be in the woods until sunset.” “N.F., did Becky get you permission to hunt on the adjoining acreage?” “Yeah, she put me on a three way conversation with the other owner who said ‘have at it’ RJ, we’re good to go.” “I expect we’ll get what we’re hunting for” said Fred with confidence. “N.F. and I have scored big before, we should do well.” I watched as they rode off into the darkness of the morning.

Later that morning, I took my pipe and one of the retrievers on a walk in the woods near the house. It was a serene fall morning some of the leaves were still on the trees in random hues of gold, brown, orange and red. The yellow lab running along a well worn path finding a spot to relieve herself. I was feeling great and very relaxed. Then I heard shots ring out about 500 yards away, someone was hunting on the property illegally or shooting at me.

The dog took off like a greyhound, barking as she headed for the house, I dove for the ground and low crawled for cover. I got on my phone and called Elly who was on with the State Police. I heard movement, I debated quickly over whether or not to identify myself and get whoever was shooting to do the same. I knew if I didn’t and got shot the hunters would say it was my fault for being where they were shooting. So I shouted, “Cease fire, Cease fire, identify yourself.”

Another shot rang out and hit something about 60 yards away. I was mad and scared, I wished I had a rifle. Then I heard a shotgun blast from behind me, from near the house, it was Elly and one of the neighbors. “RJ, you alright?” “Yeah Elly, get those sons of bitches shooting at me!” “RJ, this is Greg Gordon, the neighbors are on it as we speak, come on out, we gotcha covered.”

I low crawled about 75 yards along the edge of the trail. When I stood up, I was covered with dust and mud, Elly used a knife to pick the ticks off the jacket I was wearing and I checked myself to see if any were stuck to me anywhere else. Just a few minuets later, Greg informed me and the neighbors, the State Police got the illegal hunters and arrested them. It was 8:30 am.

I had some coffee, took some pain pills, blood pressure medication and a shot of Jamison and asked Elly to wake me up in early afternoon. I thought about my life and the people I would have left behind if I got killed as I faded off to sleep. Elly woke me up about 1:30 pm in the afternoon. I prepared for the wedding. Elly informed me that the hunting party had no luck so far and was on their way to Becky’s to stalk Bambi.

As the afternoon faded into darkness, I had changed into preaching clothes with Bible and vows in hand. I also reviewed the wedding license and made sure that all was in order. I was ready for the service. The hunters showed up from their expedition. Fred was obviously perturbed, N.F. walked in the house with Ricky who was hands were bound with nylon and duck tape.

Fred said, “I’ll unwrap him in a minuet N.F.” “No problem” said N.F. smiling. “I’ll be upstairs, I gotta change my shorts and shower.” I couldn’t wait to tell him what happened to me or hear about his day with Ricky and why he was bound like a prisoner. A little later we sat around the table as Elly and me told the hunters what happened to me. N.F. said, “this was the wrong day to hunt, listen to this”….(Fred just finished cutting the nylon ties and duck tape off Ricky).

“We were on State land and caught nothing. Too many assholes in the woods spooking the deer or shooting for no fucking reason whatsoever. Game Wardens were everywhere, apparently many assholes didn’t have hunting licenses and got treated to tickets and rides in State Trooper Vehicles. We got stopped too but of course we checked out. We got the fuck out of there and went to Becky’s as fast as we could.” N.F. then took a sip of beer and continued.

“At Becky’s we get in the woods and sit still for awhile sure enough, deer – a small heard moving together. Ricky gets sights in on a buck and shoots, he doesn’t maintain visual or voice contact, we don’t know where he’s at, turns out he missed, then from a wooded area behind the deer, gunshots galore, at least 15 shots. Unsafe dickheads were on the property without permission shooting up the place. Before we could get to them the owner did. When the State Police got there the geezer had the assholes laying face down in the leaves.”

“N.F., why was Ricky duck taped?” I asked N.F. looking at Ricky, who shook his head responding, “I kinda got hot.” N.F. snapped, “Kinda got hot, you were returning fire with an AK-47, how did you conceal that from us?” “Thank God N.F. got you to the ground and concealed” said Fred. “I had to wrap you up for your own safety…you weren’t hearing shit”

I excused myself and went online to see if civilians could purchase body armor. The hunters got cleaned up for the evening nuptials. Elly got the kitchen ready as we prepared for Ben and Becky to arrive with the party people. Ben and Becky arrived, we went over all the arrangements and we were on schedule. I kept Ben from the bar and Becky from preaching to him about drinking before the wedding.

The room was full and I got everyone’s attention by invoking the presence of God with prayer. The wedding was under way. Ben was very somber, Becky smiled tearfully with joy, I then pronounced them man and wife. The partying soon began, food – prime rib dinner, cake, pastries, parfait, ice cream, and all kinds of other edibles to snack on. The Bride and Groom now man and wife drank and got wild. I encouraged them to save the energy for the bedroom.

During the night Lucky and Tina (Tina’s aka is Tits - 42 E’s) told the hunters that they have about 20 acres next to their house and that deer are in it all the time. Ricky was gung-ho about another hunting adventure. Fred was not, but he was having fun, N.F. had a good buzz going but got sober when Ricky discussed hunting. I encouraged everyone to keep partying. I kept Becky from raping her husband in the garage and told her to take him home. They left about 1:00 am.

I spent another half hour talking to a soldier who just got orders to Iraq. I told him what the American Legion could do for him and how to get an additional $100,000 in life insurance. He was apprehensive, but knows that its his duty to go an he would not shrink from his duty. I gave him encouragement an prayed with him. He left about 1:30am. Everybody left. I then went to bed. It was a nice sound sleep. I was awakened by a crash in the kitchen.

The dogs barked as I made my way down the hall. It was 4:30am. The hunters were packing up and going to Lucky’s, they knew bad luck and bad decisions were behind them. Ricky picked up his shotgun as Fred stared him down. “Treat that weapon like your wife”, Fred barked. Ricky said indignantly, “Wait a minuet, I actually respect my weapon, this was an accident.”

Again, I watched them ride into the pre-dawn darkness. I went back to sleep and woke up about 8:00 am. Elly asked, “going for a walk this morning.” “No, if anything did happen to me I could depend on the dogs to piss on me to mark the spot I fell at as they run for better cover.” Elly laughed and said that she knew that I wouldn’t have a problem after yesterday. I stayed in the yard, I knew where the other shotgun was too.

I spent the day reflecting on the wedding, Ben and Becky returned to say thank you and stayed for dinner. The hunters came back without any deer in an uneventful day. Ricky was depressed, Fred was very philosophical about the weekend, he said, “we didn’t shoot anything and we didn’t get shot, like kissing your sister - we broke even.” “I’ll leave the AK at home next time” said Ricky. N.F. was standing behind him, looking at him in a way that declared next time wouldn’t come.

RJ