The "D" Word: All The Crazy People

It has happened and is happening to people I know and love dearly. I can’t remember exactly when it happened to me. I do remember choking back a wave of sadness when I lost one of my Marines to it. He committed suicide.

I remember fighting off the wave of sadness and regret when I was forced to retire from a career that was just starting. I remember the alienation and the pain of being an outsider. I remember going through hours of dark thoughts and bitter loneliness.

I had always longed for the haughty spirit of the warrior class to which I belong. To talk trash, show off pictures, compete in baseball, basketball or even a Marine Corps PFT (Physical Fitness Test). I remember being too stupid to be afraid of anything. Now I live in apprehension of myself in the darkness of my own domicile. I remember being someone my Marines looked up to. Now, there are days I can’t look at myself.

I remember confronting hatred and malice in a church I belonged to, only to be asked to leave. I remember when I graduated from a theological college only to realize I would not see the free thinkers and gospel givers again. I remember being dragged into court by my own family, I remember how they turned their backs on me after the Judge ruled in my favor. My own wife walked out on me for awhile and sided with the loosers in court, not the winner, her husband.

I remember when she came back, and my lost joy when I carried out the very command God gave Ezekiel when my wife died. I did not grieve in front of anyone, I would not hurt, I would not cry. I remember loosing my confidants from the old order, the children of the depression, my parents generation.

I remember loosing my Dad. That was worse, when I came back to New York at his request for ‘a visit’ he stared me down and told me he was going to die. I broke up in front of him. He grabbed me and put me straight.

When he died, I consoled everyone, my brothers thought I was stronger than heavy steel on a bitter cold day. I suffered a stroke, I had aggravation from people too ignorant to live and ongoing pain from both internal and skeletal injuries that are only getting worse. I have the darkness to hide in. It’s not just the ‘blues’ or ‘unwillingness to face reality’. The so-called friends and fast ‘acquaintances’ often say your being petty over nothing. You’re a strong person!

People treat you funny when you use the “D” word, that is depression. Some see it as a cop out, some think your not willing to confront your circumstance which some would blame all on you. “You made your bed, lie in it.” That quote or some other mealy mouthed words spewing from a cesspool of ignorance in the minds of those who call themselves your “friend.” People see you as weak, stupid, sorry, or ‘nuts’. Depression is a disease people die from, I lost a Marine to it.

I knew something was wrong with me, one day I was going to class after a fight with June, I grabbed my books and went for the door. I woke up on the floor the next morning, I thought it was still the day before.

I was sitting in my living room and heard a blast ( car back fire), I hit the deck and reached for a gun that wasn’t there. About 2 years ago I woke up screaming in a cold sweat my whole body in one big spasm. Less than 5 minuets later the Police were at my door.

I went to have myself checked out by ‘mental health care professionals’ (aka-shrinks). They ran several word tests and object association tests and gave me the classic clinical runaround. It was after group association testing the Ph.D’s and Medical Doctors started talking to me in a different tone of voice, I got scared. I quickly located all the exits in the building, hiding a sense of dread and anger for being ‘analyzed’. I just needed a long vacation in a place with lots of young half naked women.

They walked me past this padded room and I started to sweat when I saw a straight jacket. I was then seated in an office with soft chairs and no hard objects. Everybody was smiling at me, every one was being polite and kind.

I was frightened beyond all description. Invasion of the Body Snatchers, The Hills Have Eyes, Marathon Man, One Flew Over the Cuckoos’ Nest, that’s what I was thinking.

I was concerned that some obscure law would be used to keep me in this facility. Now I was sorry I came there.

The Doctor walked in with a cup of coffee and sat down next to me and asked me if I wanted anything. “Maybe some water, please”. Doctor used the intercom and someone brought me water. The Doctor told me many things that day, explaining that there are several things that cause a person to undergo undue stress, on a test with 50 high stress items I had eight in the top ten and four in the next 20. The diagnosis was a form of depression many who served in the Military have.

The Doctor told me that time, events and emotional denial have made things a bit worse for me. Then she wanted to know if there was anything in my house I could use to hurt myself. That’s when I put the breaks on this interview. “Why? What is the reason for this question?” Doctor said, We always ask that question when dealing with depression. I respectfully declined to answer. “I won’t hurt myself, I have too many things to do”, I said in a low steady voice.

It was explained to me I was under an incredible amount of personal and professional stress and I needed to get ‘help’ as soon as possible. The Doctor noted that my posture had become decidedly aggressive, I apologized, but noted the circumstance and how intimidated I felt after being paraded past the ‘rubber room’. The Doctor laughed, I smiled ever so cautiously.

It was noted that my responses to most things were somewhat ‘deliberate’ due to growing up being challenged and discriminated against. My solution was to be something in the background, I was essentially a nobody who was only needed when something went wrong. That is what the Doctor’s were concerned about. I agreed to get some help.

Like any chronic disease, treatment is an ongoing part of life. High blood pressure, cancer, diabetes or whatever else one may have, you find a way to live with it. Cure comes with divine intervention. Let me throw some statistics at you, 1) Major depression is very common — it affects an estimated 19 million American adults every year. Nearly twice as many women (6.5%) as men (3.3%) suffer from depression each year.

2) Depression Statistics: General Fact Information
_ In any given year, about seven percent - between 13 million and 14 million people - will experience a depressive disorder.
_ Of those who develop depression, only about 20 percent will receive adequate treatment.
_ About 16 percent of adults will experience depression at some point in their life.
_ About 97 percent of those reporting depression also reported that their work, home life and relationships suffered as a result. (In total over 44 million Americans)
_ Depression can quadruple a person's risk of dying within 6 months after a heart attack.
_ Depression is also known to weaken the immune system, making the body more susceptible to physical illness.


3) Depression Statistics: Women Fact Information
_ Women are twice as likely to experience depression as men.
_ Approximately 7 million women in the United States are clinically depressed.
_ One in five women can expect to develop clinical depression at some time in her life.
_ Depression is the leading cause of disability in women.
_ Only one of every three depressed women will seek professional help.
_ Almost 15 percent of women suffering from severe depression will commit suicide.
_ About 10 percent of women will experience postpartum depression in the months following the birth of a child.
_ Married women have higher rates of depression than single women, with depression most likely during childbearing years.
_ Depression in women occurs most frequently between the ages of 25 and 44.

4) Depression Statistics: Men Fact Information
_ Though women experience depression at double the rate of men, men are three times as likely to commit suicide than women.
_ Suicide is most common among men who are separated, widowed, divorced.
_ One in seven men will develop depression within 6 months of becoming unemployed.
_ Retired men are also at an increased risk for depression.
_ Men recently diagnosed with depression are at double the risk of cardiovascular problems in the next five years. (From http://www.add-adhd-help-center.com/)

I sit in a cold, damp house occasionally making telephone calls and pursuing business leads. I spend a lot more time grieving and regretting than I want to.

I crawl out of the house when being around myself is too much to tolerate.

People who endure this disease medicate themselves with copious amounts of alcohol. They also seek a ‘good time’. Don’t believe me, some of you already know. Like Smokey Robinson said, I can see the ‘tracks of your tears’.

There are many dark forces and bad things happening in America that compel conditions like unemployment, under-employment, divorce, victimization, and other terrible things that bring on depression. We even pretend not to see a person who looks dazed or lonely, look close enough and we might see ourselves.

Many of us have had our joy stolen from us, broken relationships, departed friends or lovers, the death of a family member, the loss of a job. Emptiness, loneliness, alienation, physical and emotional pain are all slippery paths into the pit called depression. These are the 'crazy' people who make several different facial expressions while staring into a glass of beer.

Shame and humiliation dispensed by fools should not keep you from getting help. Many ‘great’ people went through significant depressions.

George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, General Sherman, Winston Churchill, General Patton, Dick Clark, Martin Luther King, Jr., Oprah Winfrey, Diana-Princess of Wales, Terry Bradshaw and hundreds of others fought or still fight depression.

Some of us take things harder than others, depression doesn't have to be 'terminal' as long as you do something other than self medicate yourself. (Trust me, your a lousy doctor if you are your own patient).

Getting checked for depression is like getting checked for anything else, diabetes, cancer, high blood pressure or venereal disease. So get checked.

To those who are depressed or, If your a self righteous hypocrite that talks about someone in need of help for depression, follow this advice;

Overcome Yourself.

Love

RJ